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001. The History of Godsfall (Part 1)
Aram introduces the history of godsfall from beginning of the universe until like 65 years ago. __FORCETOC__ Part 1: can we get some fucking free god-condoms in a jar or something? Okay so first there was the big bang or some shit, I wouldn't know, but like everything smashed around a lot and four gods just kinda happened (Ytar-fire, Ather-air, Emitaf-water, and Ogun-earth) They were bored or something so they made shit, like stars and planets probably. Also they had a bunch of sex and out comes a bunch of baby gods like Siforr and Ius. Then (because apparently healthy communication in romantic relationships didn't exist yet) some of the gods that had paired off decided to cheat on each other and make even more gods, Yala and Mordukai. After that they all got hella pissed at each other and kinda ran away to the four corners of the universe so they didn't have to talk about it because the god of couples counseling hadn't been born yet. They still talked somehow because they all agreed that they weren't going to ever make any babies ever again. Of course Yala (being the god of life) was like "fuck that shit" so they went around and had a bunch of sex with the Siforr AND Ius and had even more godbabies because why the fuck not (unfortunately for Khalgun none of the god-babies was the god of condoms). Also apparently they taught their kids how to "dance" (that's a sex metaphor just in case you weren't paying attention). These new third-generation gods FINALLY got around to making cool shit like ironwood trees and then the ironwood trees gave birth to another god because, like, why the fuck not and then that god made elves because there's nothing at all morally reprehensible to making an entire species to weed your garden. I think we're in the fourth generation now? Anyway there was more god-fucking and more god-babies and the god-count is probably in the 30s by this point which means we're reaching carrying capacity. Also at this point we're getting into the really niche domains like magnetism and sports because everything cool is taken. At this point finally Radia (Will) and Etos (Peace) finally said "okay this is fucking enough" so they decided the best way to fix the solution was to... have more sex? And out pops Barros, who would be the god of order, and who apparently has the power to yell at all the other gods so they would settle down and stop having kids for one fucking second. Somehow, this worked and all 36 gods managed to stop popping out babies like rabbits for like 10,000 years. Part 2: we can no longer fuck so let's just make a bunch of new species and let them fuck and nothing could ''possibly ''go wrong First off the elves already existed. They were running around being cool and like writing poetry and not making silmarils because that's the wrong story. Dwarves showed up next, time went on, and soon enough they were like "we want magic because elves are cooler than us" and for some reason the gods actually gave them magic. Of course they made a bunch of big buildings and then when they were done with that they decided to just fucking rule the world because that's the obvious next step here. Eventually the elves were like "fuck this shit" so they went and stole magic from the dwarves. Of course now the dwarves are fucking pissed so for like a hundred years it's dwarves vs everyone else and I bet that there were a bunch of casualties but who cares because now we have Ani, which was this huge-ass human city with big walls that kept people safe from the dwarves who were still pissed a hundred years later. When the millionth person was born inside Ani the universe was like "congratulations, you won" and just made that baby a fucking god because why the fuck not. This is the first and only time in history that being the millionth visitor to anything actually got you something cool. That dude was Zevan and the first thing he did was some architecture because that's the first thing you do when you're the newly born god of Man I guess. Look, don't get me wrong, I love infrastructure. Infrastructure is great. But after he was done with infrastructure he got around to fixing the war, which is probably better planning than any elected official of the US government has ever pulled off, and made the entire continent his bitch in like 10 years. Part 3: time to fight, fuckers Of course by this point the gods were like "what the fuck this dude is as cool as we are" and decided to kill him when he was only like 16. Normally that would have been done by lunch but Mordukai (remember him? he comes up like once earlier before Yala has six fucking children) decided that Zevan had a nice ass and decided that u-hauling isn't just for lesbians. Once the first couple gods got the ball rolling I guess everyone was really horny from not fucking for 10,000 years because they all chose sides and started fucking shit up. They were really good at it too because it only took an hour for them to destroy most of the world. Apparently, this is where Zevan drew the line, because he did, as it turns out, give a shit about everything within approximately 1,000 miles from Ani. The rest of the world can go die, I guess. So that's where things stand, climate-wise. There's a giant storm that goes exactly 1,000 miles from Ani all the way around in a big-ass circle, and everything outside of it is pure chaos, literally. So I take back what I said earlier about Zevan being better than the US government. He's about equal, all things considered. Oh, also somewhere around now Zevan picks a random tenth-level farmer and turns him into an awesome demigod. Part 4: The gods are dead, long live the king So first off people sent out a bunch of explorers and shit and it took them ten fucking years to figure out that the gods had destroyed the rest of the world and they had only survived because #drama. Because, y'know, the fact that half a continent was underwater now didn't tip them off. By the way, Ani is an island now. It doesn't take very long for everyone who was ruled by Zevan suddenly went "wait a second if there are no gods why should I have to be nice to people?" so some of them made up weird-ass systems of government. Also some people got really jazzed up on the idea that all the gods were evil and also magic was evil so they were just going to run around destroying everything magic. These weird anti-magic dudes weren't that shitty to start out with so they manage to unify a bunch of folks in a surprisingly non-shitty way before becoming shitty spreading their shittyness elsewhere. That's a metaphor for the entire American South, in case you were wondering. Also remember that dude that Zevan gave all his magic to? His name is Jakub Kladivo and he's immortal now because he has a bunch of cool magic stuff and he's doing everything the antitheots (that's the shitty anti-magic dudes) are doing except without the weird fanaticism which seems like a plus and also he makes a democracy (which is really a republic? Or possibly a monarchy?) which is pretty cool. So flash forward until 35 years after the Godswar when I guess enough humans who remember how shitty war is have died. Suddenly those antitheot folks are running around calling themselves the Kadarian Empire and they're hanging out with dwarves so they can invade basically everywhere in a kinda counterclockwise direction (widdershins is the best kind of shins). And there was lots of war and it was awful but y'know there's a treaty now, so now everything is good probably. Category:Episodes Category:The History of Godsfall